Warning: If you have ever had an eating disorder, there may be some triggers below.
Do you really eat a doughnut a day? I mean, yes and no. I don’t always eat a doughnut for breakfast but when I don’t it is replaced with something equally sugary if not as high in fat. However, there is a reason for this insane “balance” of yoga and doughnuts.
My Senior year in college, I dated a guy who constantly told me I was fat. When we met, I weighed 140 pounds. As a point of comparison, I now weigh 130. While with him I started some bad habits. He ran a lot so I tried to do that too. I hate running. So I decided to manage my weight with food instead – or the lack thereof. I made it all the way down to 116. My high school weight, but in a very unhealthy, unsustainable way.
About six months in to our relationship, it got really bad. I slowed and then completely stopped eating. I then stopped drinking – I mean water, not alcohol. After not eating for four days and not drinking for 24 hours, I was severely dehydrated. I ended up in the local hospital. They injected me with four IVs full of fluid before they would let me go. It was scary and embarrassing.
When I was back on campus, I confronted my boyfriend. Asked him to please stop telling me how fat I was. Asked why he would even want to date me if I was so gross to him. He told me that fat girls are usually crazy in bed and that I was finally starting to look good.
We dated for six more months. At one point he told me that I weighed down his car and ruined the fuel economy. Needless to say, my friends and I refer to him as “the jackass” and my mom calls our relationship “the time of the sickness.” He also cheated on me and spent all his money on coke. Not my best year. Through friends and my mom I finally found the strength to leave him.
But habits learned are hard to let go. When I was dieting for my wedding I came close to returning to this behavior. I was doing it in a healthier way – more exercise, actual food (according to the guidelines of a rather strange diet). Thankfully a friend of mine saw what was happening and pulled me back to reality.
However, I am sad to say that I fell back in to the pattern once again when I was pregnant with my daughter. I gain most of my weight in the first trimester of my pregnancy. After carrying two kids to term, I know this about myself. But when I was pregnant with J, I did not. My doctor kept giving me a hard time about gaining weight. I actually told her about my experience in college but she wouldn’t let up. So one month – between visits, I constricted my meals. And when I stood back on that scale in her office I had lost two pounds. I was so proud. In that moment I knew that he was back in my head and this time it wasn’t just me who was at risk but it was my beautiful baby to be. I asked to switch doctors and never looked back.
It’s scary how someone can find the part of yourself that you question the most and use it against you. I hate that I let him make me doubt my worth. I hate that he did it under the guise of wanting what was best for me. I’m not perfect but I’m much better person than he ever was – fat or thin.
I eat a doughnuts to keep myself sane. To remind myself that I deserve balance. That he doesn’t deserve to still have any sort of control over me. And because they taste DAMNED good.